Discipline: the rights and wrongs
AUG 16, 2004Discipline: the rights and wrongs
Over the next few weeks, The Straits Times will feature a series of guides for parents on how to coach their children on various topics at home. The guides will cover topics such as teaching mathematics and computer literacy, and will be written by local and international experts. It begins today with techniques on imparting responsibility and discipline to children.
CHILD psychiatrist Clarice Hong is all for rewarding children, whether it is by giving them money, taking them to their favourite fast-food outlet or praising and hugging them.
'This is because all children seek approval from their parents, and when rewards are given out to children who have obeyed their parents' instructions, they will grow up understanding they have done the right thing, and will continue doing so, even if the reward is later removed,' said the mother of three.
This is one way children can distinguish between what is right and what is not, added the 36-year-old, who received her master's degree in psychiatry from the National University of Singapore.
Dr Hong, who works at Raffles Hospital Counselling Centre, has counselled numerous youngsters who have fallen by the wayside due to their inability to differentiate between right and wrong.
In her latest book, titled Responsibility And Discipline, she offers suggestions on why it is important that parents teach their children such values from a young age, and how to do so.
Set limits and stay united
BOTH parents must decide what is allowed and what is not - and stick to it.
Too often, said Dr Hong, one parent denies the child something, only to have the other give in to the child when he kicks up a fuss or begins to cry.
This tells the child if he makes enough of a nuisance of himself he will get his way. It can lead to his resorting to tantrums to get what he wants all the time.
When explaining the ground rules to the child, the parent's tone and what is said is important in explaining the parent's stand.
Dr Hong recalled a case of a young boy who insisted on his mother buying whatever he wanted at the supermarket. She gave in to his demands to make up for his father having abandoned them.
However, she soon found she was busting her daily budget because of this. After counselling, she realised she had to tell her son specifically before each outing she would buy only daily necessities.
To get her message across, she made the point while looking him in the eye and in a firm tone. Now he no longer badgers her to buy everything he takes a fancy to.
Don't hit, reason instead
THE natural tendency is for parents to get angry when children break rules, but hitting them should not be an option in such instances, said Dr Hong.
Beating a child signals to him it is okay to use violence to express feelings of anger, and he may resort to the same reaction if his friends upset him.
To show he is angry or upset, a parent can:
Remove rewards and privileges where appropriate.
If the child has not finished his chores, for instance, he can be told he will not be allowed to go out and play until the task is done.
If he has behaved badly, isolate the child for a period of time.
When her nephew bit one of his cousins while playing, Dr Hong had the 4 1/2-year-old sit in a corner for five minutes.
Explain why the behaviour is bad and should not be repeated.
For example, if a child lies, the parent can ask: 'How would you like it if I promised you we were going to the park but I didn't keep my word.'
When the child says he would be disappointed, the parent can reply: 'Well, that's how I felt when you lied to me just now. So, please don't do that again.'
Encourage timetables
DOING an activity he is good at and having a schedule to follow when he is at home allows a child to be responsible for his day-to-day life from a young age.
Let your child start on an activity of his choice, such as playing a musical instrument.
If it is something he enjoys, chances are he will not need to be nagged to practise but will do it of his own volition.
Take him to an outdoor concert, point out the musicians and say: 'This musician has to be responsible enough to practise constantly, and that's how he became good enough to perform in front of so many people.'
While not all children will become world-class musicians, they can still excel at their hobby and other things if they realise from young that practice makes perfect.
Similarly, if a child follows a timetable from a young age, there is less chance his parents will have to nag him about wasting his time when he is older, as he will be aware of the best way to apportion his time.
Start out by drawing up a daily routine in an exercise book or on the computer. Get your child to fill in the activities he must complete and those he wants to do within the day. As a parent, offer your advice on whether sufficient time is allotted to sleeping, revision of schoolwork, and playing and watching television.
Keep on eye out to see if he is following the timetable in the first few weeks. If he is, reward him with something he would like to do.
Dr Hong stressed that parents need to start disciplining their children and teaching them acceptable behaviour from a young age.
'This will contribute to them having a sense of self-esteem, the ability to get along with others and to undertake responsibility when they grow up.'
DO'S AND DON'TS
DO: Set limits for your child, such as when shopping, and stick to them.
DON'T: Hit your child for breaking the rules, but explain why you're unhappy.
DO: Keep to a timetable, for sleeping, homework, playing and watching TV.
Copyright @ 2004 Singapore Press Holdings. All rights reserved.
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